I am the author of “Peaceful Parenting” that includes my book by the same name, plus 4 more. My work is the application of Choice Theory psychology to parenting.
I am now happily “retired” from my most recent position where I was employed working as a Parent Coach for parents of children on the Autism spectrum, as well as being neuro diverse, and having a mental illness diagnoses. Boy I learned a lot from these parents!
I think you expressed this relationship perfectly Breanne, as the dance between the internal and external. Doesn’t that also describe life in general. Choice Theory psychology applied to parenting is challenging, in that part of a parent’s job is to manipulate and accommodate the external world for our child’s growth and learning. When children are infants and babies, this is much of what we do — restrict our child’s freedom by using safety gates and removing anything that might hurt our child or that our child might hurt. But as our child grows, is better able to manage herself including her feelings/impulses and begin to manage his internal to accommodate and manipulate the external, we begin to help our child to learn to manage the ever increasing freedom in responsible and respectful ways. EG: “Yes son, you can go to a friend’s house to play. I’ll pick you up at 4:30PM so please be ready to leave by that time.” Because you have taught your child how to do this, you feel comfortable relying on his internal signals and responsible behaviors to comply. Among the many things that parenting is, one major parenting job is to SLOWLY INCREASE YOUR CHIILD’S FREEDOM AS S/HE LEARNS RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL BEHAVIORS TO INDEPENDENTLY MANAGE THIS FREEDOM. This allows your child to meet her increasing need for freedom while parents meet their ever present need of keeping their child safe.
As far as your questions about allowance, I have found that this is an ever present parenting quandary. My belief and recommendation is that parents give their child allowance WHETHER THEY DO THEIR CHORES, HOMEWORK, ETC. OR NOT. Giving your child allowance is the first step parents can use in teaching their child to have a healthy, respectful relationship with money.
Expecting your child to do chores is a completely separate and necessary issue. My belief and recommendation is that everyone who lives in the household contributes to the general order, cleanliness, calm, and pleasant atmosphere of home. My general tip is that parent/s make a list of all chores needing attention, and that your child chooses which one or ones (depending on age) she will do. This is general, but I can offer more specifics if you’re interested.
If/when parents connect chores and allowance that is NOT consistent with the internal instructions of choice theory. I’d love us to talk about this too:
HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M USING EXTERNAL REWARDS/PUNISHMENT TO MANIPULATE AND MOTIVATE
MY CHILD? HOW CAN I USE MY CHILD’S INTERNAL MOTIVATION TO EFFECT THE POSITIVE OUTCOME
Let’s please continue this dialogue! Parenting is the most difficult, most challenging, and most rewarding job of our life time. I’m always happy to share, learn and grow in this topic.